How to Mate Your Dragon
by phoenixdown7
Summary: Hiccup/Astrid. There are a lot of things Hiccup wants to do, but being his dragon's wing-man isn't one of them. But what can he do when it's mating season in the isle of Berk and his dragon is getting more action than him?


How to Mate Your Dragon

"No…no, no, no, no, _no_."

"Hiccup…"

"No, I won't do it," Hiccup continued a bit petulantly. Although he knew this was a mistake the moment Astrid sent him her _special look_. He avoided it by glaring at Snotlout, who was currently laughing so hard he was doubled over.

"You don't want your dragon to miss out on this, do you?" Astrid began exasperatedly as she too sent a sideways glance of irritation at Snotlout. "The mating season's almost over and all the rest of our dragons have already found their mates."

"Yeah, Hiccup," Snotlout gasped between his guffaws, finally looking up at him with gleeful, watery eyes. "You don't want your dragon to die a _virgin_, do you?"

Hiccup's frown tightened as Snotlout collapsed into another hearty laugh-fest at his expense, but his gaze switched to Toothless who was standing at the edge where the land met the ocean, staring at the sky and the dragons in it with longing – and Hiccup muttered, "Of course, I don't want him to…to…"

_GAH!_ He couldn't even say it! After all, it wasn't like Hiccup himself had any experience with the subject. He felt his face heat up and he had to avoid Astrid's perceptive gaze. He sighed dramatically. Just his luck his girlfriend had to be a sharp one. _Why _did he have to find intelligence attractive? He had to go and choose the one girl in the village who could read him like an open book and run circles around his arguments without breaking a sweat.

"Honestly, Hiccup," Astrid rolled her eyes to the high heavens as if asking the gods for guidance. "You don't have to get so embarrassed about this. It's only natural, and Toothless is your dragon. Who else is going to help him?"

"Yeah, but…I don't know, Astrid." Hiccup ran a hand through his hair, agitatedly, looking desperately for a way to stall the inevitable. "I think we need to think this through. I mean, who's to say Toothless couldn't do this on his own? Just look at him!" He gestured toward Toothless, who was by now looking somewhat wilted, sitting by the edge of the cliff and warbling sadly as his handicapped tail twitched behind him. "He's a _fine _specimen. What lady-dragon wouldn't want him? He probably doesn't even need me at all!"

Astrid glanced at Toothless and then at Hiccup incredulously. It was a testament to Hiccup's tenacity that he didn't wince.

"By my calculations, there's a 95 percent chance Toothless won't find a suitable mate if he's left on his own," Fishlegs added helpfully, his eyes gleaming with excitement as if he was reciting the stats of his pet gronkle's fire power. "And that would be bad, since dragons mate for life!"

"Thanks, Fishlegs," Hiccup muttered sarcastically as Astrid's expression turned smug.

"What's wrong with Footless?"

Hiccup looked over just in time to see Tuffnut dismount with his sister from their zippleback and join the group. As always, Tuffnut was smirking at his own wit, probably overjoyed that he could once again employ his new favorite nickname for Hiccup. Ruffnut merely looked bored, per usual.

"He's getting cold feet." Snotlout grinned meaningfully.

"Oh, Astrid…moving quickly I see." Ruffnut smirked, although her voice held an edge to it.

Astrid sent her a cool look. "Not that that's any of your business, but we're actually talking about his dragon."

"What, is it too big for you?" Ruffnut quipped, and Hiccup blushed profusely, recognizing the bad pun and immediately wishing he hadn't. "Maybe you need a real woman to show you how to handle it."

"And where would you suggest I find this woman?" Astrid questioned icily. "Because all I see around here are four boys and an overgrown troll."

Both girls glared at each other, until Hiccup coughed uncomfortably and both of their gazes broke away to settle on him. Astrid looked accusing and Ruffnut looked predatory. Hiccup nearly choked on his own spit.

He fidgeted a bit and tried to ignore the whispered "I bet he's actually really small, just like the rest of him," that Snotlout sent Tuffnut with a conspicuously loud snigger. Hiccup was pretty sure at this point that a hole could open up beneath him and he'd happily fall to his death. Odin's beard, _anything_ was preferable to this.

Dammit.

He sighed in defeat, and he was sure he looked miserable.

"_Fine_, I'll help Toothless."

The next thing Hiccup knew, he was mounted on Toothless's back, listening to Fishlegs rattle off stats about dragon mating rituals. He could feel Toothless getting restless, the muscles in his neck and torso twitching beneath Hiccup's weight. Hiccup patted Toothless's head absently as he listened.

"…and the night fury is different from all the other dragons in that it must complete an aerial mating dance!" Fishlegs was practically frothing at the mouth with excitement, his eyes huge. "The male must find a female and then impress her with his aerial acrobatics and skill. And then, if she accepts his advances, the two will lock talons and perform an upside-down death drop…and then…!"

"Wait…wait…hold on!" Hiccup exclaimed, his eyes wide with panic. "Did you just say 'death drop?'"

"Why, yes!" Fishlegs replied happily. "It's the last step in the dance. Without it, the female will never accept the male as her mate. He must prove to her that he would rather die with her than leave her. So it's very symbolic. Although sometimes things go wrong and they _do _actually fall to their deaths, before they can mate. Isn't it romantic?"

"Romantic…yeah…" Hiccup repeated distantly, his mouth hanging open in horror.

After a pregnant pause in which Fishlegs merely smiled at him ignorantly, Hiccup jerked into action and dismounted Toothless with an unmanly squeak. Toothless stiffened and warbled in surprise, but Astrid snagged Hiccup by the collar before he could run away in terror.

"Nuh-uh, Hiccup."

"But…"

"No!" Astrid's eyes were like cold fire. "I'm not going to let you abandon him."

That got Hiccup to stop struggling like nothing else could. He looked back at her and saw a flash of disappointment in her eyes. He was man enough to admit that it stung.

He glanced over at Toothless, who was now watching him accusingly, and he felt worse. He immediately walked over to Toothless's side and pet the dragon's scaly head.

"I'm sorry, buddy." Hiccup frowned guiltily. "After all, it is all my fault that you're stuck like this in the first place."

Toothless trilled lowly and pressed his head against Hiccup's palm comfortingly, letting Hiccup know that he was forgiven. Hiccup sighed and then nodded to himself resolutely before mounting Toothless once again.

Astrid stepped up beside him and smiled at him. Hiccup's lips twitched upward and he nodded. Sometimes he was surprised by how much she understood him and Toothless. It was moments like this when he was reminded how truly lucky he was to have her by his side.

"Break it down again for him, Fishlegs," Astrid commanded and Fishlegs complied with a nod and a smile.

"Find a female night fury, show her some tricks, perform the death drop, and let them mate."

"I don't have to be involved for that last part do I?" Hiccup asked with some apprehension.

Fishlegs actually chuckled. "No, I don't think Toothless would appreciate that very much."

Toothless snorted as if amused, but his face was turned away so it was hard to tell.

"Believe me, neither would I," Hiccup stated in relief, his mouth quirking into a smile.

"So what are you waiting for?" Astrid asked, one eyebrow slid upward.

"Right." Hiccup nodded and leaned forward to speak to Toothless. "Alright, buddy, let's go."

"Wait."

Hiccup only had time to glance over at Astrid before her lips were on his and he was nearly pulled off of the saddle. She pulled away fairly quickly, before he could move his lips in response, and grinned up at him.

"Make it home in one piece." And then she punched him lightly on the arm.

Hiccup held his arm in mock hurt and grinned, suddenly feeling lighter. "I will, don't worry."

"I won't," she replied, but Hiccup barely heard it over the rush of wind in his ears as Toothless wasted no time in dropping from the cliff in a smooth dive like a bird of prey, Hiccup holding on for dear life before instinct kicked in and he switched gears and changed their trajectory.

They glided just above the sea, Toothless's claws skimming the water, and Hiccup glanced back wistfully to see the speck that was Astrid standing on the edge of the cliff above before he turned around and surveyed their surroundings, looking for anything that might even remotely look like a night fury.

"Any idea where we might find one, Toothless?" Hiccup had just realized he had no idea. He hadn't really seen a lot of them since Toothless. They seemed to be either a rare breed or very solitary or both, and he definitely couldn't recall if he'd seen a female before. He had no idea how to tell the genders apart. Actually, now that he thought about it, how did he know Toothless was male? Hiccup realized that he had never questioned his assumption of Toothless's gender, but he had no idea why.

"You _are _a guy, right Toothless?"

Toothless looked back at him with an expression that clearly asked him if he was serious.

Hiccup waved his hands in front of him placatingly. "Just had to make sure."

What if he'd been wrong all this time? _That _would have been awkward.

"Do you think they'd be at the old nest?" Hiccup questioned, squinting in the sunlight as the water glistened blindingly below them.

Toothless merely looked back at him blankly.

Hiccup face-palmed and sighed warily. "You have no idea, do you?"

Toothless warbled as if in confirmation.

"You've never seen any lady-night furies before?"

Toothless sent him a glare.

"Fine, of course you have," Hiccup replied, feeling a bit stupid. "Then I'm guessing you know where else they could be? 'Cause I can tell you right now, I'm out of ideas. Really, the nest was my only one."

It was bad when he was alone with Toothless as he tended to ramble, but he stopped when one of Toothless's ears twitched and suddenly they were turning quickly toward a rocky outcrop on another island Hiccup had never seen before, and he had to switch the gears once again to compensate. As they got closer, Hiccup squinted and made out a cloud of something dark swarming above the water. The wind carried unnatural noises which only got louder, and Hiccup realized belatedly that they were a flock of night furies, swarming like bats.

His eyes widened as he began to make out their distinct shapes against the blue sky. He'd never seen so many in his life and part of him still cowered in fear at the prospect. They looked every bit as quick, agile, and deadly as he'd grown up hearing in stories from the older villagers. But Toothless trilled in excitement and beat his wings harder, making Hiccup duck so the wind didn't burn his skin and make his eyes water.

Before he knew it they were in the swarm and Hiccup had to think quickly in order to maneuver and avoid hitting another night fury. There were more than a few close calls and Hiccup's eyes were darting everywhere, his heart beating in his chest a mile a minute, his breathing rapid as a now familiar adrenaline rush pumped through his veins. Toothless seemed to be searching frantically, his head swiveling this way and that. Other night furies would eye them when they got near, as if sizing them up. More than enough of them simply stared at Hiccup as they flew by, obviously not knowing what to make of him.

"See anyone you like?" Hiccup asked awkwardly, nearly falling off the saddle when another night fury's wing clipped him in the head.

Toothless ignored him, still frantically searching as more and more night furies passed. Hiccup nearly fell off at another close encounter with a night fury's tail, before Toothless went rigid, his powerful muscles bunching beneath Hiccup's saddle, his head set in one direction. An unnaturally low rumble filled the air and Hiccup realized that Toothless was making the sound. Hiccup searched around but he couldn't pick out anything that might have caught Toothless's attention. But then some night furies dispersed and Toothless swooped through the opening, almost smacking right into another night fury.

Hiccup yelled out in the surprise, working quickly to change their trajectory before they crashed, but Toothless growled menacingly and didn't change course, even as the gears did. He heard the other night fury warble in shock, before they hit it and were sent spinning down toward the water.

"TOOTHLESS!" Hiccup yelled, hanging on for dear life as the wind blinded and deafened him at the same time. Toothless seemed to be holding on to the other dragon as it thrashed in his grip and Hiccup looked down to find the water rushing up to meet them at an alarming rate. Hiccup struggled with the gears, panicking, by this time his voice was hoarse. "TOOTHLESS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? LET GO!"

"AAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH!" Hiccup screamed as the top of the ocean waves filled his blurry vision, and he closed his eyes, his last thought that this was a totally retarded way to die.

But then suddenly their fall halted and Hiccup fell chest first onto Toothless's back with a painful thump. Blearily, he sat up and opened his eyes, noticing that they were once again skimming the ocean, but this time the other night fury was skimming it with them. Hiccup watched in fascination, attempting to reign in his harsh breathing, as the two dragons flew side-by-side companionably, each of them stealing glances at each other when the other wasn't looking.

It was like an awkward first date, and Hiccup nearly laughed at the ridiculousness of it, his frayed nerves making him giddier than usual. More than once, the other night fury glanced up at Hiccup questioningly. Feeling goofy, Hiccup waved at it jauntily, but Toothless just trilled and pulled the other's attention back to him, before sending Hiccup a dark look.

Hiccup rolled his eyes. So Toothless was the possessive type. Figured. Not that Hiccup could seriously be any kind of competition. There was no way that would work. Suddenly Hiccup got a horrible image in his head and grimaced. He was pretty sure now he would be scarred for life.

Twenty minutes passed and Hiccup was seriously beginning to feel like a third wheel. The two dragons only had eyes for each other and he was doing his best to ignore them, as much as anyone could ignore dragons while forced to ride on one of the dragons' backs, but he was starting to get hot and sticky with sweat from the afternoon sun and his rear was aching from all the earlier abuse in the night fury swarm.

"Hey, Toothless," Hiccup muttered as he leaned forward. "We've been flying around long enough, don't ya think?"

Toothless actually growled at him, never even glancing back at him in favor of keeping his attention on his new best friend. The other night fury sent another questioning look toward Hiccup, but Toothless just grunted as if Hiccup didn't matter. Hiccup frowned and crossed his arms, sending his dragon his sternest glare, but Toothless continued to ignore him.

Useless reptile, indeed.

Frustrated, but feeling completely helpless, Hiccup dropped the glare and let out a long breath as he shifted a bit. His butt really hurt and he could swear he was getting a sunburn everywhere his pale skin was exposed. He sent the two lovebirds a look and hoped this was all worth it in the end. He didn't want to go through all this trouble just so Toothless could fly around with a new friend. They were out here for a reason, after all.

Hiccup's face warmed and he grimaced. Just the thought of what Toothless was supposed to do with this new "friend" made Hiccup uncomfortable. If everything worked out according to plan, his dragon was going to get laid before he did. And he was _eighteen-years-old_. That was so _incredibly _pathetic.

Hiccup mulled through these depressing thoughts for what felt like hours, before he finally spotted land and the dragons mercifully made their way toward it. It was a small island of volcanic rock, complete with a small cave etched into its only mountain. Hiccup sighed with relief, nearly tumbling off of Toothless the moment they touched the ground.

Hiccup barely touched a hand to his tender backside before loud growls could be heard behind him and he swung around to see both dragons attacking each other. They pounced on each other, rolling on the ground violently, their growls loud and threatening.

Hiccup's eyes widened in horror, immediately thinking that the courtship had gone very wrong and that the other dragon had ultimately decided to kill Toothless. "TOOTHLESS!"

Hiccup actually made to run at the two brawling dragons, forgetting that the action was reckless and ultimately futile for a human of his size, but then the growls turned decidedly more grunty and the pouncing a lot more rhythmic and Hiccup completely stopped in his tracks.

"Oh…_oh_…"

Hiccup turned around, his face as red as a beet, and immediately walked as far away as he could to the other side of the island, which wasn't very far. He could still _hear _themgoing at it even from there and he grimaced, placing his hands over his ears and crouching so that he looked out at the endless sea. The noises they made became louder and louder and Hiccup seriously considered trying to swim back to Berk.

It was a long time before the dragons calmed down after one final, ear-shattering roar, and only then, did Hiccup even attempt to glance at them. By the time he tentatively walked back to their position, they were both deep asleep and entangled, one dark body hard to separate from the other as the sun set over the horizon.

Hiccup frowned down at them, his mood darkening with the sky.

….

Astrid looked up from a book she was reading by candle light as she heard her front door creak open. Hiccup stepped in moments later, his face just entering the candle light enough for her to recognize him. He looked unusually sober as his green eyes found her.

"You're back," she stated simply, putting down her book and turning toward him in her chair at her desk. It was still before dawn and dark out. She had thought he would be gone until noon of that day at least. Although, admittedly, she hadn't been able to sleep, not wanting to miss him in the event that he'd come back earlier.

Not that it was usual for him to come directly to her house during the night.

Hiccup only nodded, and he looked away, as if he was suddenly nervous.

"How'd it go?" She asked as she stood up from her chair, but she really wanted to ask him what was wrong. Although she suspected he knew what she'd really meant from the tone of her voice. Hiccup was uniquely perceptive that way. Even if he didn't show it all the time.

"Alright." The answer was short, clipped, and a little strained.

Astrid watched him closely as he finally stepped further into the room toward her, his metal foot clinking against the wooden floorboards. His eyes found her again, and her heart beat inexplicably quickened at the way he looked at her – like he was a fisherman and she was some kind of succulent Icelandic cod. She'd rarely ever seen him look at her like that and it sent involuntary tingles of anticipation down her spine.

She took a step back, nearly stumbling back into the chair behind her as the seat hit the back of her knees. "What…?"

But his mouth caught the rest of her words and his arms snaked around her, holding her against him. The only thing she could think at first was that his body was warm and his lips were soft and chapped as they moved against hers. Her hands came up to grab at his shoulders, for want of something better to hold onto as the chair pressed against the pits of her knees. She only had a split second to wonder where this new, assertive Hiccup came from before someone gasped, possibly her, and his tongue found the inside of her mouth, seeking hers. She reciprocated, pushing toward him with her entire body as they kissed, trying to show him that she wanted this.

He finally pulled away from her with a small gasp a short time later. His voice was a bit rougher than usual and she found it inexplicably arousing. "Astrid…"

He kissed her again, but it was short and shallow, only his lips against hers as he held her. When he pulled back, his eyes locked with hers and she could see a bit of his usual, self-conscious self reflected there.

She placed a hand on his cheek, more gentle than she usually was, and he leaned into it a bit, looking to the side.

"What brought that on?" Astrid asked, but her voice was quieter than usual.

"I just wanted to do it," Hiccup muttered a tinge defensively, and then he glanced back at her, as if checking to see if that was okay with her.

A small smile tugged at her lips. "Took you long enough."

Hiccup looked a little stunned for a moment. "I didn't know you…"

"Of course I did," she interrupted, although her voice was still unusually quiet. "I'm your girlfriend, aren't I?"

Hiccup stared at her as if trying to figure her out, but his arms tightened around her waist. "Okay."

"You didn't think I'd want it," she stated flatly. It wasn't a question, and not a small part of her was disappointed in him. She thought he knew her better than that.

"I…" Hiccup paused, his eyes darting around, thinking. He looked embarrassed when he finally looked up at her again. "I didn't want to mess this up."

"You won't," Astrid stated, kissing him again, lightly.

Hiccup smiled a bit – that impish smile that Astrid secretly found adorable, although she'd never say it. "I thought you might beat me up."

"I would have," Astrid said and Hiccup's eyes widened a fraction in alarm, his arms stiffening around her, but she continued with a smile. "If you hadn't gotten the courage to show me what you wanted."

It took a moment, but Hiccup visibly relaxed, the smile once again tugging at his lips and once again she found him adorable. "Good to know."

And the next kiss was long and slow and notably confident. Astrid nearly melted against him. She'd wanted this for so long, but she was stubborn. She wanted Hiccup to come to her on his own, and now that it was happening, she found it hard to keep up her tough-girl act – at least where he was concerned.

Eventually, the kisses became longer and deeper and they were no longer standing but sprawled on her bed, limbs tangled and breath mingling. The candles burned out, the flames drowning in melted wax, as clothing found its way to the floor and bodies moved against each other in rhythm, cries and moans muffled so as not to awaken neighbors. When dawn finally broke, sunlight streamed in through the window, illuminating the spot where the two teenagers were huddled against each other beneath fur covers.

Astrid opened her eyes as something brushed her forehead and cheek, and smiled when she saw Hiccup's green eyes watching her, his thumb still caressing her cheek as his hand rested on her neck. He smiled back, although he looked slightly nervous.

She raised an eyebrow questioningly, her foot finding his still-intact one and caressing it beneath the covers.

"How was it?" His voice had a sort of forced casualness and she could tell he was trying his hardest to keep eye contact.

"Could have been better," Astrid quipped, but then she softened when Hiccup noticeably deflated, she brushed away his bangs from his sweaty forehead and looked him straight in the eye, her tone serious. "It was well worth the wait."

He smiled at her and his hand moved down to her bare shoulder as he moved in to kiss her. She scooted into the embrace, wrapping her bare thigh over his hip, and he gasped a bit at the contact, but didn't pull away from the kiss. His arm wrapped around her narrow shoulders and then they were flush against each other, but neither of them moved to do anything more when the kiss ended, even though Astrid could feel the effect she was having on Hiccup. He remained still, his hand brushing through her now loose hair as he sighed in contentment.

"How did it go with Toothless?" Astrid asked. "Did he find his mate?"

Hiccup chuckled a bit, though there was a frustrated edge to it. "Yeah, and I had to be there for all of it."

"You didn't…?"

"No, no," Hiccup interrupted hurriedly. "It was just…we landed on a very small island."

Astrid actually laughed, just imagining the scenario. "Poor Toothless."

"Poor Toothless?" Hiccup repeated incredulously. "I'm pretty sure he could have cared less. I was the one suffering until…well, you know."

"Poor you, then," Astrid amended, highly amused.

"Yeah, you know, it was a lot of trouble. I definitely deserve something for my selfless sacrifice." Hiccup's expression turned decidedly mischievous, and his hips rolled not so subtly against her.

"Oh, do you now?" Astrid asked, one eye brow raised. "I thought that's what last night was about."

"That wasn't enough," Hiccup quipped, but he actually shuddered as if he really meant it.

"It was that bad, eh?" Astrid questioned.

"Worse," Hiccup replied succinctly. "You definitely owe me. Big time."

"I think Toothless owes you more than I do," Astrid stated, playing hard to get.

"Yeah, but Toothless can't give me what I want," Hiccup replied easily.

Astrid laughed, disturbing images flashing through her mind. "He could try."

"Ah…ew, Astrid!" Hiccup exclaimed, looking truly disgusted. "That's the second time I've had to think of that."

"Second?"

"Nevermind." And Hiccup colored visibly. "Forget I said that."

Astrid laughed again. "Well, you're lucky, because I'll happily repay you in Toothless's place."

Hiccup smiled and leaned in to kiss her.

"That might take a while," he spoke against her lips. "I don't know how long it'll take for the mental scarring to fade."

"Then we'll just have to work at it," Astrid replied flippantly. "We've got the rest of our lives."

And Hiccup laughed. "Good. It might take that long."

They shared a series of kisses, before Astrid finally asked, "By the way, where are Toothless and his mate?"

In Hiccup's house, two dragons lay by the hearth, and one raised its head to glance at the empty bed and smiled knowingly, before laying its head beside its mate and falling back asleep.

_Fin_

…..

AN: This started out total crack and then it turned into this. Haha.

I first got the idea for this from a news article about two bald eagles falling into a snowbank during their mating ritual and one of them actually died while the other had to be nursed back to health. They mate by locking claws and performing a drop from mid-air. They're supposed to come apart before they hit the ground, but sometimes, they don't do it in time and the results can be pretty tragic.

In my head, it was just hilarious to think that if Night Furies did it that way, Hiccup would be in a very compromising position indeed, but then the crack of it ultimately grew into a story more about Hiccup and his insecurities than the hilarity of dragon mating rituals. So there you have it.

Either way, I hope you guys enjoyed it!


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